It's been a long time since I have blogged and I came back without any memory of what I have typed before. I knew that most of it would be about Melvin and my efforts to move on from him but I did not expect that I actually set up a new blog for it.

Reading through some of the posts made me realise how I have repeated most of the mistakes that I made and reminded myself not to make:

- losing myself in the relationship
- always mentioning about breakup

Right from the beginning, even before anything was concrete, I already felt comfortable with Zavier. Even when we were talking, he could make me relate to him easily and I like that he wanted to know more about me and my life. When we met for the first time, it was a short one. Yet, I wanted more. I felt a sense of belonging. I did not want to the date to end, as contrast to the other date. And the good feeling lingered.

The second date was not as pleasant - he was late for about half an hour and he kept talking about wanting to go after my sister. I guess those were the warning signs but I was too charmed to realise and I wanted more. It was the first time I asked to date exclusively and when he wanted it too, I thought I finally found someone whom I was comfortable with and wanted to treat me right.

It was really gd in the beginning - us meeting after work, hanging around Marina Barrage and just talking and talking and enjoying the times together. He was a little pushy about confirming my feelings and meeting my friends at all but generally, it was good. I had a glimpse of the future with this guy who was sporty, fit and treated me well.

Then things changed. Suddenly, he started ghosting, we dated less, he made less effort, I demanded more. The equation was out of balance. And when I knew about the third party, my world did collapse. It was exactly what Melvin and I went through - all over again. I wanted to walk away. I knew from experience that I had to walk away. I tried, but I failed. And I guess that's when he knew that he already had me.

I never had the same trust and feeling after that. Yet, I tried to make things go my way. I tried to revert to the past. But deep down, I knew he was not totally invested and I would never believe him even if he was. Everytime we meet, I would want to break up. I kept asking for it, convinced that I was making the right choice. Hell yes I was making the right choice. It was the right choice for the objective mind but not for the emotional heart. I did not want him yet I wanted him. And this caused the roller coaster ride. He tried to keep me until he decided to walk away totally. And now I am left without any closure and I am regretting it even though I was always the one who walked away.

Now all I wished is:

- I should not have rushed into things. I should have let things develop with time and give him space and time to prove that he wants me. All those time, I was pushing him to CHOOSE me.
- I should have known what I wanted before raising up all the break ups.
- Everytime he made an effort to improve, I should have been more encouraging and gave it more time to see if he proves his words. I should not have kept flaring up. Patience is key. Patience.
- I wished that when you said you would make time for dates, I gave you the chance to plan the date with me and just go out happily.
- I wished that when we met after your work, I would be your happy pill, looking forward to hear about your day instead of sulking.
- I wished that when you were still optimistic about us, I was optimistic too.
- I wished I had the chance to try seriously with you and be convinced if we do not work out.
- I wished you give me that chance to talk things through with you and understand what you are thinking of now.

I do understand that you would not be the guy for me in the long run. You are too unstable, unaccountable and unreliable. You are free-spirited but that worries me. But I have already fallen and you made me fall for you. Dont you think you have the responsibility to also account for it when you have fallen out of love for me? Dont keep things at "I am thinking" or "I do want to talk to you". Your replies have been so ... superficial. You dont mean it at all. You just want to lure me in and enjoy me being desperate for you.

I have to let you go and I know time will do its part. But after 3 years after Melvin, I realise time did not do its part. I was just living without him. I was not living for myself. Maybe this is the lesson that God wants me to learn. It is taking all of me to control myself from trying to control you and how this should end. I hate to admit it but I hate that I love you so.