It's been a long time since I have blogged and I came back without any memory of what I have typed before. I knew that most of it would be about Melvin and my efforts to move on from him but I did not expect that I actually set up a new blog for it.

Reading through some of the posts made me realise how I have repeated most of the mistakes that I made and reminded myself not to make:

- losing myself in the relationship
- always mentioning about breakup

Right from the beginning, even before anything was concrete, I already felt comfortable with Zavier. Even when we were talking, he could make me relate to him easily and I like that he wanted to know more about me and my life. When we met for the first time, it was a short one. Yet, I wanted more. I felt a sense of belonging. I did not want to the date to end, as contrast to the other date. And the good feeling lingered.

The second date was not as pleasant - he was late for about half an hour and he kept talking about wanting to go after my sister. I guess those were the warning signs but I was too charmed to realise and I wanted more. It was the first time I asked to date exclusively and when he wanted it too, I thought I finally found someone whom I was comfortable with and wanted to treat me right.

It was really gd in the beginning - us meeting after work, hanging around Marina Barrage and just talking and talking and enjoying the times together. He was a little pushy about confirming my feelings and meeting my friends at all but generally, it was good. I had a glimpse of the future with this guy who was sporty, fit and treated me well.

Then things changed. Suddenly, he started ghosting, we dated less, he made less effort, I demanded more. The equation was out of balance. And when I knew about the third party, my world did collapse. It was exactly what Melvin and I went through - all over again. I wanted to walk away. I knew from experience that I had to walk away. I tried, but I failed. And I guess that's when he knew that he already had me.

I never had the same trust and feeling after that. Yet, I tried to make things go my way. I tried to revert to the past. But deep down, I knew he was not totally invested and I would never believe him even if he was. Everytime we meet, I would want to break up. I kept asking for it, convinced that I was making the right choice. Hell yes I was making the right choice. It was the right choice for the objective mind but not for the emotional heart. I did not want him yet I wanted him. And this caused the roller coaster ride. He tried to keep me until he decided to walk away totally. And now I am left without any closure and I am regretting it even though I was always the one who walked away.

Now all I wished is:

- I should not have rushed into things. I should have let things develop with time and give him space and time to prove that he wants me. All those time, I was pushing him to CHOOSE me.
- I should have known what I wanted before raising up all the break ups.
- Everytime he made an effort to improve, I should have been more encouraging and gave it more time to see if he proves his words. I should not have kept flaring up. Patience is key. Patience.
- I wished that when you said you would make time for dates, I gave you the chance to plan the date with me and just go out happily.
- I wished that when we met after your work, I would be your happy pill, looking forward to hear about your day instead of sulking.
- I wished that when you were still optimistic about us, I was optimistic too.
- I wished I had the chance to try seriously with you and be convinced if we do not work out.
- I wished you give me that chance to talk things through with you and understand what you are thinking of now.

I do understand that you would not be the guy for me in the long run. You are too unstable, unaccountable and unreliable. You are free-spirited but that worries me. But I have already fallen and you made me fall for you. Dont you think you have the responsibility to also account for it when you have fallen out of love for me? Dont keep things at "I am thinking" or "I do want to talk to you". Your replies have been so ... superficial. You dont mean it at all. You just want to lure me in and enjoy me being desperate for you.

I have to let you go and I know time will do its part. But after 3 years after Melvin, I realise time did not do its part. I was just living without him. I was not living for myself. Maybe this is the lesson that God wants me to learn. It is taking all of me to control myself from trying to control you and how this should end. I hate to admit it but I hate that I love you so.

I came back to read my entries to refresh my memory and to read back on what you read.

the first entry that i read the moment i entered this blog was a pleasant surprise.

i had forgotten about this entry; about this IMPOSSIBLY high expectations of my dream guy

as i was reading my expectations, i remembered how i thought this guy would nvr exist and how lonely i will be when i was typing this. hah!

But now, as i m reading the entry, believe it or not, u came to my mind.. and i could actually put a tick beside all the expectations which i listed out.

you made me impossible, possible. and you made me believe without a doubt... I have found him, by finding you. =)

I decided to blog on my end of sem trip after exams at uni of copenhagen SO THAT! i will not forget about my adventures after a long long long long time!

It was a really really tiring few days before my trip cos we had gatherings with friends back at cph and then went for a COOL ROADTRIP to LEGOLAND the next day! so we didnt really have any time to rest and recuperate after exams.

so. took a flight from cph to pisa and reached pisa ard 1. slpt like a log on the plane thks to 3 hrs of slp before the HOLIDAY!

so when we reached pisa, there was horrible miscommunication and we bought train tickets under the help of many kind people who saw us as BLUR TOURISTS!

and our journey to florence began! 1 hr train ride to florence and daph slpt very unglamly on the train =X we had the luck to sit in a carriage with MINIMAL air con while the rest had AIR CON TT WAS WORKING! tough luckkk!!!

and then we finally reached florence! and spent 2 hrs unpacking and arranging our stuffs.

i dun understand how we took 2 hrs, but yea. it was dinner time by the time we were ready!

so we went to a recommended dinner place which served famous florence steaks to have our dinner but! it wasnt open till 630 and we were 1 hr early. so we went to the leather market to pass time and MY GOD! i have nvr smelt leather so strongly in my life. every shop was selling leather wallets, bags, keychains, and even notebooks! cool huh! and prices are quite reasonable! i m intending to get a small coin pouch to ease my travelling tmr. =)

after 1 hr of time passing, we FINALLY FINALLY went to have dinner! daph and i initially wanted to share a steak but we had differing tastes. she likes hers medim rare but i prefer well done. so eventually, i ate wild boar meat and she ate beef. my dish was fineeee. not very impressive and half of the time, i duno wad i m eating actually. HAHA LOOK AT PICS ON MY FB! (hope i upload them soon)

when the pigs are fed, we started TOURING! OFFICIALLY. =X went up to pizzale michaelangelo to supposedly see the sunset. but the bus took so long that we missed it! scenery was stil AWESOME! and i think we spend at least 2 hrs over there CAMWHORING! super breathtaking scenery. =)

and so the weather started turning cold and we decided to head back cos we are obviously tired by the walking and lack of slp! and now!! i m gonna turn in too! cos i need my beauty slp to last all 11 days of my trips!

LOOK OUT FOR MY UPDATES =)

Is it because of the exams?

Is it because of the great weather outside?

or is it you just don't matter that much anymore?

or or or, have someone managed to take you out from where you belong?

I don't know. But i do know that its a good thing that i am not feeling that miserable about you anymore.

Sometimes i wonder if its my fault or if its the fault of others.

I can give everything for a friendship that i treasure so much.

It took me so much thought to really tell her about what i think.

I thought friends could be truthful to each other and then we become better friends.

How can it be that this friend, whom i treated so dearly, didnt even bother replying to me.

It could be my fault that i was too harsh? But wouldn't one reply if you really cared?

so all my giving in was all in vain?

How can it be that you don't care, but i can care so much?

52 days more of life in europe!! at least things cleared up in the last 52 days =)

less than 2 months to home!

i wonder how will i feel when i really really get home after so much anticipation and how much i will miss copenhagen and of cos, the friends that i have made over here!

more than half a yr of life outside home and i really treasure home!!

even more after i travelled with my dad, aunt and sis!

i lived up to some promises like being strong on myself, not throwing the face of the KONG family, etc, etc.

i am also quite satisfied with how i m doing here. met my own expectations!

but for some matters, bahhh, i have not exactly achieved wad i set for myself before leaving!

2 MORE MONTHS!

i miss u soooo much sometimes